I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize