Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
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