Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
I made him laugh his dick is mine
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Randomize
