She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Randomize