If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
Randomize
