1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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