Soap is not a condiment
am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
