I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
Say something about gay babies.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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