xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Randomize
