I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Randomize
