I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
I just want nice things and good sex
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
