i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize