You're my little dorito
I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
