I will die if light touches me.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Randomize
