Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Randomize
