Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Please don't give away my fajitas
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