you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
