Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
