my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
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