wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Randomize
