i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
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