Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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