I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
