She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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