my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize