Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
