my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
you didnt know i had herpes?
I want her autograph on my taint
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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