Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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