as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
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