I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
We're too hungover to prance.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
