I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
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