i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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