your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
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