we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
