I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
Randomize
