Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Randomize
