When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
