I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
