my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize