How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
We need a shit load of segways right now
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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