new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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