just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
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