i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
