Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Randomize
