I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
