i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
