So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
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