Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
