dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Randomize
