Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Randomize