you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
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