don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
Randomize
