i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
Randomize
