the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Randomize
