no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
