you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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