And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
