Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
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