He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
smell my finger.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
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