let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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