Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
