You were right. It hurts to walk today.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
