Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
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