I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Randomize