My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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