WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
We need to feng shui this bitch.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
