K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Randomize
