Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
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