Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Randomize
