Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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