yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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