guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
I wonder if u can grow weed on Framville and sell it to Mafia Wars?
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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